Some friendships are the type that start on the playground or before we can even remember — and last through graduations, moves, marriages and all of life’s ups and downs. These are the friends who may or may not be in our everyday lives, but we know they’ll always be there when we need them and they’ll always care.
Most friendships, however, aren’t that type, says Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, Professor and Chair of the Department of Counseling at Northern Illinois University and author of the books, "Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends who Break Them."
“We change and our friends change over time — as do circumstances and new social goals,” Degges-White tells NBC News BETTER.
That means some friendships morph over time (after people get married, for example, plutonic friends start to fill different needs in our lives) and some friendships just fizzle out and end.
Why Friendships Start and Why They End
One of the biggest reasons we become friends with people in the first place is physical proximity, explains Mahzad Hojjat, PhD, Professor of Social Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth and co-editor of "The Psychology of Friendship," says.
“We tend to become friends with people who we see a lot,” she explains: people who live near us, work with us or people we do activities with. (Numerous studies back this up.)
“And we tend to become friends with people who are similar to us,” Hojjat adds. People who are like us tend to like us because whatever we share helps validate our own tastes, values and preferences — and fill a practical need, Hojjat says. If we both like to play tennis, if we become friends we have a new tennis partner. If we like horror movies, we now have someone to watch them with.
And throughout life, the roles our friends play in our lives also change. For example, when we get married or become parents, we need friends who do the same because we bond over the challenges those changes bring.
